My Story so Far…

Trigger Warning: The following text contains sensitive content related to sexual abuse.

For the majority of my life I’d say, I’ve faced struggle. While my childhood had plenty of beautiful moments filled with joy, love, laughter and luxury, there were also moments marked by danger, confusion, and deliberate harm caused by certain individuals around us.

At 5, I experienced sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of a woman who worked in my home and her husband. The abuse went beyond the sexual, and I endured daily acts of cruelty; one example is her braiding my hair so tight it made me dizzy and my scalp would bleed but there were other much worse events. I vividly remember being dragged up seven flights of stairs by one of those plaits and forcefully thrown into scalding water because I wanted to watch Thundercats. It was too scary to share with anyone, and they both threatened my life and that of the people I loved if I shared, so I didn't.

At 8 years old, my South American mother, already grappling with postpartum depression and grieving the loss of her own mother back in Venezuela, needed support and care. Instead, she became a victim of a negligent psychiatrist whose practices were grossly inadequate. This same psychiatrist later faced accusations of sexual harassment by multiple patients, which made headlines. To my disbelief, he was allowed to continue practising. I recently discovered his Twitter account, where he callously joked about immigrants drowning at sea. It was a stark lesson in medical racism. As a result of his harmful decisions, my mother remained bedridden for months. No one could explain to my young mind why she was physically present but emotionally unavailable.

By the age of 9, severe Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) had taken hold of me. I was too ashamed to reveal my struggles, having witnessed the frightening consequences of being mentally unwell. Despite my age, I felt the responsibilities as the eldest daughter, a self-imposed pressure to excel. My fear of the dark and ghosts intensified when I was moved to a room at the top of the house, where the stairs creaked at night. It felt like I had stepped into adulthood prematurely, and I believed I had to keep it all together. In boarding school, which my grandmother promised would improve things, my fears and loneliness only grew. The ghosts became more terrifying, and I was surrounded by bored and equally depressed strangers obsessed with appearance, sex, and thinness. They constantly searched for something to ridicule.

Aged 11, I was already drowning, unaware of the trauma that lay beneath the surface. My external world was far from ideal, with unstable friendships, daily rejection, and constant bullying. When life became tough and sadness overwhelmed me, there was no solace. I lived with teachers who awoke in me a feeling of failure, I felt ungrateful for the privileges I was surrounded by. Deep down, although I doubted every thought I had, I knew this culture was not designed for someone like me. I felt like an alien. These incidents compounded the beliefs already ingrained in my nervous system: the world is unsafe, people are untrustworthy, and in order to be safe, I have to be perfect. I felt utterly alone.

By 13 I struggled with my focus, low grades, and a growing feeling of inadequacy. I saw myself as too fat, too brown, too different, and too dysfunctional. I felt like I didn't fit in with my peers, who seemed to thrive effortlessly. Teachers used others successes as inspiration, but it only made me feel like a burden, constantly letting everyone down. I had nothing to look forward to except temporary comfort from sugary foods, which led to disordered eating habits. I became skilled at hiding my struggles, unable to imagine a future where life would ever be okay.

At 14, I was in full-on problem-child mode, desperate to fit in but feeling that the road to acceptance was impossible. It seemed easier to conserve my energy and avoid trying at all. Seeking help, I was taken to the family doctor, who diagnosed me with a "chemical imbalance" in my brain, similar to my mother's condition. The news left me even more depressed, I felt like my future had been take from me. I was prescribed lithium. I felt completely hopeless. If this was as good as it would ever get, according to a doctor, what was the point of living?

By the age of 17, I struggled to get out of bed, overwhelmed by the fear of failing my A-Levels. I felt intellectually inadequate and believed I was too stupid even to try, I hadn’t really been present for my education, I was beyond disconnected from myself.

At 18, I began a cycle of visiting different therapists, sharing my story as if I were auditioning for a tv show. The performance had become one of the few things I felt "good" at. My OCD was escalating, filling my mind with catastrophic thoughts. I was completely detached from reality. I resorted to mindless eating, attempting various diets that ultimately proved futile. I became fixated on being thin, knowing everything, and trying to please everyone around me.

By the time I reached 19, thoughts of suicide plagued me daily. I had become adept at hiding the extent of my inner turmoil, leaving those around me unaware of my suffering. During this time, I was put on a trial medication by a psychiatrist who made inappropriate advances towards me. He had held a high position at a prestigious mental hospital in London until his recent death. The medication he prescribed was originally intended for seizure control and had the side effect of paralyzing my face when I laughed. My fuck-it mindset created an environment where I was vulnerable to further sexual assault and harassment, which sadly occurred multiple times, plunging me further into chaos. I felt disconnected from my own voice, choosing silence as it seemed easier, as I believed it was my fate and my fault.

At 21, I made the decision to move to Barcelona, seeking an escape. There I had a sense of freedom, which allowed me to reconnect with my creativity, something that had always been a source of stability in my life. For a brief moment, I experienced a sense of peace and found love in a relationship, something I had never been able to let myself do before. However, the universe had another blow in store for me when my father was diagnosed with cancer. Although he was initially given a year to live, he defied the odds and survived for another 13 years. But those years were filled with emotional hardship as he underwent over 60 surgeries. Witnessing my father's mental and physical decline and deterioration took a heavy toll on me. Nothing ever seemed to be okay.

Life had been a perfect storm for me until a pivotal moment when my mother stumbled upon an advertisement for Cognitive Hypnotherapy and it’s founder Trevor Silvester. Intrigued, she booked an appointment with its creator, and little did I know that this would become the foundation for my transformation. The knowledge I gained about speaking to my subconscious mind and engaging my creativity breathed new life into me. It was a huge realization: I was never broken; I had never known how to trust myself and my reliance on those in positions of authority meant I had been vulnerable, and easily failed by them. Throughout my life, I had been perceiving a message which reinforced my belief that I was irreparably damaged and destined to a life of hardship.

Adding to the complexity of my experiences was the interweaving of privilege. Each expensive interaction with a “professional” only served to confirm the stark reality I held onto: the world was an unsafe place. To find safety, I believed I had to be perfect and never falter.

Cognitive Hypnotherapy became the bedrock on which I built a new life, working to become the person I had always needed in every iteration of myself. Looking back, I find peace in the fact that I resisted the urge to end my own life during those dark moments. I also take pride in the fact that I no longer rely on medication as I was once told I would always depend on it (to be clear, I hold no judgement or issue with medication).

I have triumphed over numerous trials, tribulations, and pains that could have easily taken me out me had I not learned the tools and principles that now guide my path. Today, I live a life encompassing everything I ever yearned for, even when my younger self believed such dreams were out of reach. With a foundation of grounding and trust, I am fulfilling my aspirations alongside the dog of my childhood fantasies and the man of my dreams, who continually inspires me. Together, we embark on fun and creative endeavours, nurturing my heart's deepest joys.

I am proud of the person I have become. Not only have I learned to regulate my own nervous system, but I have also cultivated a successful and flourishing business that fills me with profound happiness. Moreover, I have had the privilege of helping countless individuals who have felt trapped and traumatized, guiding them towards lives free from the shackles of their past. Through firsthand experience, I have witnessed the transformative power of these principles and tools.

I want you to know that change is possible and there is hope. Your story, just like mine, has the potential to become a catalyst for extraordinary growth. I am not unique; I simply possessed a determination to find my way back home. And now, I want to extend that to you, guiding you on your own journey of self-discovery. Together, we can unravel the mysteries that have shaped who you are, and I will show you that your mind is malleable, and capable of healing with the right support. Your past does not have to dictate your future, and there is a way for you to find your way home, just as I have found mine.