How to Free Yourself From Social Expectations
Life can feel like a labyrinth of “shoulds” as marriage, motherhood, mortgages and career milestones hem us into lives that don’t feel like our own. And many of us could be in danger of designing our days to meet the expectations of others, be it family, friends or society as a whole, rather than pleasing ourselves. So, how can women live free from these limitations?
Social researcher Brené Brown writes in Daring Greatly how the pressure placed on women asks us to achieve perfection by “being nice, pursuing a thin body ideal, showing modesty by not calling attention to one’s talents or abilities, being domestic, caring for children, investing in a romantic relationship, keeping sexual intimacy contained within one committed relationship, and using our resources to invest in our appearance”.
It’s no wonder we’re feeling hemmed in, says transformative life coach and cognitive hypnotherapist Jessica Boston. “I lived and worked in Barcelona for many years, and these expectations were never really a thing, but I noticed it instantly when I returned to the UK. It’s an insane amount of pressure and it’s everywhere—we should be married or have babies or have a perfect body or get a promotion, and we should do it all with a smile.”
Re-defining Success
Many of Jessica’s clients are high achievers. “They often don’t register their own success simply because of the way they’ve been conditioned to understand what “success” means,” which is probably how Brené described it. “I witness women achieve one thing then immediately look for the next thing that needs to be sorted. This doesn’t allow the mind to register your success or the positive aspects of your life, so it has no new evidence to change its habitual ways of thinking.”
Talking the time to acknowledge your achievements is crucial to every woman’s liberation, says Jessica. “Check in with your own definition of success, then actively and deliberately talk about it. Celebrate the things that feel like success to you.” And don’t worry if people think you’re overly confident; worry instead that women’s confidence isn’t celebrated enough.
“If just one woman shouts about her success, it’s a political statement since so many people benefit from our lack of confidence. If only more women knew the power that comes with this.”
Reclaim Your Right to Choose
Power also comes in knowing you have a choice to conform or not. “Choosing to chase after something you actually want and doing so in order to feel validated are two very different things,” adds Jessica. If all your friends are doing the latter, you risk losing them if you choose differently. We can fear losing a lifestyle that we don’t even like simply because it feels familiar. I’ve seen so many people choose certain misery over uncertain happiness. The mind can at least prepare for misery if it knows what’s coming.”
Change is, therefore, never easy and requires a conscious investment of all your resources. “But you will be okay, and it’s totally worth it,” reassures Jessica. “Visualising your outcome can help, as it gives your mind something to hold onto and move you towards—and don’t worry what other people say, this is about your happiness, not theirs.”
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